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Choose Your Suffering

The past months have not been easy ones, digging deep into moral injuries and sanctuary traumas that have been underlying so many of the issues that developed over the years of my policing career. I never really knew how those events that seemed so minor would have such lasting impacts because truth be told, up until my time in Kelowna I didn't even know what a moral injury was. Sanctuary trauma didn't make sense because I had no idea of what the concept was or how it would come to develop. Working on these events has been worse than the visceral trauma work because those major events have an easily identified beginning, middle, and end. Twelve plus years of traumas were not by any means easy to work through, but with each one that I worked through the impact of the session seemed to lessen. Sure, it would knock me on my ass for a day or two, kick up some shitty nightmares but then I could work my way back into the routine of life. I would trade one or two days of pain for week...
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I'll Drag These Memories Through the Dark Void

This one hits different. It was a just over a year ago that I moved out of the north back to the city, spending my last few days as a member of the RCMP unpacking moving boxes and trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. It sure as shit has not been an easy year. Getting into new routines, adjusting to being in a large center again surrounded by constant noise and constant busy. Adjusting to a new therapist and digging through years worth of traumas that could be addressed properly being away from the job. I didn't have to deal with residual stresses of spending time in the office, being in the environment that caused the traumas that needed to be addressed and healed. I did the work. I addressed trauma after trauma, had panic attacks, lost sleep from old nightmares, and it felt like there was tangible progress being made. Unfortunately, it also meant that there was going to be a time where I had to deal with more than visceral trauma.  "He who fights with monst...
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Now I know, I don't have to do this alone

 The last couple weeks, I've sat and tried to write quite a few different times and nothing has seemed to stick, feel right, or be anything more than just rambles. Even the journaling lately has been pretty repetitive, seeming to have fallen into a bit of groundhog day feels. Much like adulting life, the same tasks day after day, life flying by without feeling like anything of substance has happened.  The last few months in general have been less than fruitful, especially after trying to rebalance myself with medication changes. And as anyone who has taken anti-depressants knows, any change comes with a litany of side effects, the worst of which can be worse than the depression ever was. I was numb to life even at times when I didn't want to be and that was worse than any feeling I had in the past years. Shit, even when I had pretty much given up on life it was a very different kind of numb and this felt worse. Days when I should have felt happy, joyful, sad, upset, and anythi...
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Keep Lookin' Out, Not Lookin' Down

Its funny where inspiration can come from to finally break the months long streak of not writing. Usually during an episode of Criminal Minds, the powerful quotes are usually at the start or end of the episode when they are attributed to the brilliant minds who spoke them. But during a recent binge, probably a bad idea with my trauma but it's one of those shows I've always enjoyed, a random moment dropped this one on me: Maybe you've got to sit with the past before you can walk away from it. I can tell you that just sitting with the past doesn't let you walk away from it. If you do a shit load of work while sitting with it, then do more work. And a little more. And then maybe you'll be done processing one small part of the traumas from the past. That has been the hardest part of the transition to retired life over the past 8 months. There has been a lot of consistent sitting, something that I haven't had to the same degree in the early years of my counselling wo...
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HOPE - Hold On Pain Ends

I took some time to reflect over the past couple of weeks, looking at old journal pages, notes I've written in my phone, blog posts, walk and talk videos, social media stuff and something really stuck out to me...so much of what I've voiced has been overtly negative. I decided to journal about it, to try and put some actual thought into why negativity is so easy and positivity takes so much work. After a few hours and a sore brain, the resounding idea was that after so many years of working in a negative environment, of seeing the worst that humanity had to offer, of always being prepared for the worst my brain had becoming trapped in the cycle of negativity. Unfortunately as I have learned over the past few years it takes a lot of work to break out of that cycle, and looking for the upside in situations is so unnatural that it feels like work to try and do it. The reflection started just over a week ago when I had the opportunity to attend my first event as a volunteer with Bo...
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I'm in a Freefall

While I sit and type away on this tonight, letting thoughts percolate like a good strong cup of coffee, I have to take a little bit of time to reflect. It's been two years, pretty much to the day, since I published the first post on this blog. Two years ago, I was 6 months removed from being pulled off the road, taken out of work by my psychologist who was rather blunt in her assessment that I was a danger not only to myself but also to the community I was sworn to protect. Looking at the time, I was inspired to tell my story, to talk about my struggles because it was necessary for me to drive my healing. I was inspired by those who told their stories on the podcasts that I listened to. Inspired by the journey's they had embarked on and the successes they had. I can look at my writing, things were inspired too, and open and raw. Which was easy because that's where I was in my own journey, things were raw, things were still fresh, things were moving positively because the on...
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I Lift Things Up and Put Them Down

Well, I feel really old now, after looking up the commercial and finding that it was 13 fucking years ago...how is has it been 13 years? I mean at the time, I lift things up and put them down really described my fitness regime. I picked up weights, put them down and did it over and over. I was getting ready for the RCMP at that time, and it was in that window that I really started to program hop. I was happy with my strength, but I was slow and didn't have much cardio. So I stopped lifting as much and tried to trim down and get faster. It kinda worked, kinda didn't because the truth of the matter is I fucking hate running. I would rather do anything other than run. So needless to say, the getting ready for depot didn't go so well.  One of the first fitness sessions at depot was the Cooper's Run, simple enough, just run 1.5 miles as fast as you can. Sure went well, but not really...it was a time when things weren't quite so gentle and the sergeant of the fitness unit...
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