What The Fuck Are We Doing Here?

 A couple of weeks ago my internet went out and I had to dig into the movie collection, much like I used to do. Needing a day to just let my brain relax, out came the Band of Brothers tin. During one particular scene, a member of the unit starts screaming at a marching group of Germans who had surrendered, poignantly asking, what the fuck are we doing here? Now, his anger was pointed at having been dragged across the ocean and sent into Europe to engage in combat. Today while I sat and did my usual doom scroll, my feed was populated with posts regarding the suicide of three different police officers from three different forces across Canada. And while I have been retired for fifteen months now, these posts still have a heavy impact because of how close I came to being just another post on peoples feeds.

What the fuck are we doing here? Each time there is a suicide, the same shit happens. Organizations send out emails telling people to reach out if they feel overwhelmed. Coworkers get told to check on each other. The buck just gets passed along. And in a week, it's right back to the status quo because nothing fucking changes. Members get killed in the line of duty, people mourn and its right back to the same shit after. Members work with shitty equipment, with no backup, with no support from upper management. They get distracted by pay raises, by arguments over uniform shirts, told by unions that with these new things, it'll get better. Well, it sure fucking hasn't worked. There isn't enough money to cover being burned out. There isn't enough money to cover the damages of shift work, of doing the job of multiple people, of being at the bottom of the shit pile with a never ending stream of shit continuing to pile down. Organizations continue to get away with it because members continue to show up, regardless of how fucked up they are. If they're anything like I was, the unfortunate reality is that being at work is the one place they feel comfortable because no one cares if they're fucked up, so long as they can do the job.

The harsh reality, the one that I lived, the one that so many before me and after me have experienced, is that the organizations do not give a flying fuck about you. You're a number. A warm body in a position. You'll be replaced tomorrow. It doesn't matter to them. If you truly mattered, there would be real supports in place. There would be comprehensive mental health care systems that would allow members to be healthy and to be able to live lives outside of their job. I know it's a pipe dream because if it were going to happen, it would have happened already. If organizations and governments truly fucking cared members would be more than numbers. Members would get more than empty worded emails. Those in management positions would push for real action to happen. But they don't push for it because they don't fucking care.

There is nothing that can be done about the past, what has happened has happened. And unless definitive action is taken, the past is due to keep repeating itself. I don't know what needs to be done because I'm out of the system now, just an outside observer with the lived experience. I fucking hate that people keep dying and nothing is truly being done about it. 

So what can we do? Reaching out to your people is a start. Being present, having hard conversations, letting people know that you love them, bringing true connection to life instead of just empty texts and broken promises of calling next week. Connection saves lives. Love saves lives.

Most importantly, step back from work. Is it really giving you anything beyond the paycheque? Are you going to be able to live a life after retirement or is the job going to kill you before you get a chance? Do you have any time for finding joy in your life? Can you even feel joy any more? Anything beyond anger and numb? Anything beyond living the dream or fuck it I'm here again?

You are more than your uniform. You are more than your job. You are more than the number they gave you when you signed up. And you are more than allowed to be really fucking angry that your friends, co-workers, family members are being pushed into a corner that leaves no way out beyond taking that final step.

And so I ask again? What the fuck are we doing here? 

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