Little Things

 Hello there and welcome back to Heavy's Journey to Hell and somewhere back. It's been a little bit since I've had a chance to sit and do some writing, since my last post was done while at visiting family during a summer holiday. As those of you who live at distance from friends and family know, trips back home are always busy and seldom is there a lot of time to be able to sit and put pen to paper. Before I get far into the post this week I really want to say thank you for the words of support, especially after the last post. That one was pretty hard to get through, especially given my current reality in life. It took a lot out of me to make that post and to be honest I'm really not surprised it took this long to get writing again. 

I found this sentiment this week and want to share it: If your energy is occupied with surviving, you might not feel able to access other parts of yourself, like your creativity or humour. Yet that doesn't mean those parts of yourself are gone. We only have so much energy. We are simply sending energy to the necessary places first. This really hit home, especially with how I have felt these last few days after getting home from our trip. I know I've used the term white knuckling before but that really seems accurate given the way that I could feel my energy levels dropping off while away from my routine and having to be in a large city setting again. Everything that might not go super noticed becomes magnified when it sits hard on you. The tension in the upper back and neck, the tense jaw, the disturbed sleeps, the attitude swings, all things that might not be normal at home start to come back into consciousness when stresses start to add up. I spent the better part of today just lazing on the couch, literally unable to get up this morning and function. My coffee sat beside me on the side table and my kids played around me as I ended up dozing off for a couple hours to try and get any semblance of energy to get into the day. Early on in my healing journey I would have really beat myself up for a day like today, I would have fallen deep into the pit of self hate that I am used to, I would have blamed myself for not being able to suck it up and get through the day. Instead I gave myself a little bit of compassion and realized that clearly my body needed the chance to stabilize it self a bit. It's something little but as the saying goes, a lot of little things can add up to big things, or some other super cliched statement along those lines.

I want to try and touch on a little bit more of a positive look at things today. Telling my story over the course of a month, delving into the RCMP culture of toxicity, the struggles against myself has been cathartic for my healing journey it has also taken a lot out of me. As much as I have come to learn the importance of telling my story I have also come to learn that I need to take care of myself too. I've needed an outlet, something that can challenge my brain in a whole new way. For many years I haven't had an kind of a creative outlet. When I first went off from work one of the ways that I would help occupy my time, an engage with my kids better was to sit and color with them. This lead to my buying a bunch of adult coloring books, fancy alcohol markers and a huge collection of pencil crayons. For a while it helped to the trick, because it was something little I could do that would keep my mind occupied for a bit. That feeling didn't last long though. I wasn't quite challenged enough and over time I stopped relying on the coloring books. I tried sketching, I tried drawing but because I wasn't any good at it I became easily discouraged. That would be tied into the lack of real self worth and self confidence that I struggle with on a day to day basis. 

As fate would have it, one day I took my youngest to the local family resource center for a parent and tot beading session. I was given a small piece of commercially tanned hide, some beads and a stencil of a flower. I managed to get a decent chunk of the flower done during that session and I was completely hooked. Something inside me was activated when I was sitting and working with the needle and thread. I felt a real sense of accomplishment as I got the flower to look like a flower. I ended up sitting watching tutorial after tutorial on Youtube trying to learn different techniques and different ways to get better. Shortly there after I made my first set of earrings, just a simple brick stitch design using some of the extra beads that I had been given by the resource center. I couldn't believe it when I finished them. It was a true tangible sense of accomplishment because I had created something. I had learned the skillset and done it well enough that I was able to make something. I couldn't tell you the last time that I felt something like that within myself. Honestly it had been years. 

I headed off to the local craft supply store and bought a collection of beads, felts, needles and thread. I spent my time afterwards working on my Metis style flowers, making more earrings and trying my hand at making card holders, which are small billfold sized felt or hide projects with designs on the front. The first one I finished was an entire scene, the ice road travelling under the northern lights. It took the better part of 5 days to finish it. Then I had to learn the edging patterns, which lead to more time on Youtube but also lead to better feelings of accomplishment. I found myself back at the craft store frequently, getting more beads and different styles of thread to try different projects. I knew I was really hooked when I dropped a couple hundred bucks, yes, me the eternal cheap ass, spent hundreds of dollars on Marketplace to get a tote full of supplies. Hides, beads, scraps, furs. More things than I could even fathom needing. But in buying that tote I was telling myself that I finally believed in myself enough to invest in myself. That feeling represented a huge shift in myself because I never would have done that in months or years past. I never gave myself the chance to become skilled at anything because I would become so discouraged because I wasn't good enough at it or I wasn't developing my skills fast enough to make myself feel like it was a worthy pursuit.

After posting some of my progress work on social media I had one of my cousins reach out to me and want to purchase some of my work. I was literally floored that someone was willing to not only pay me for my work, but to trust me enough to design two projects for them. I sketched out my plan on a loose sheet of paper and then put both together for her. It felt truly incredible to accomplish something like that, to see the fruits of my effort be sent off in the mail for some one. My sister requested her own set of earring as well, giving me free reign to design something for her with just a color request for the fabric. So I spent some time finding design ideas then putting the design onto my felt backing. I was able to create two nearly identical designs that mirrored each other. I can't really explain how much finishing those projects truly inspired me. My wife is quite the photographer, who recently got one of her pictures printed in a major calendar for 2024. I used her photograph to create her a cardholder with my interpretation of her image. Each time I finish one of these projects I feel a sense of pride in my work, like I have really done something good. It can't be understated the importance of this feeling because it really helps me feel like I'm succeeding at something. 

I've tried my hand at a number of different earring designs, a number of different card holders and with each one that I've finished, even if its just my kids gushing over them, it makes me feel good inside. I have been able to make a bracelet for my mother-in-law, earrings for my niece and sister-in-law and today finished a set of earrings for my eldest daughter for her return to school this week. She picked out her colors and I made her exactly what she wanted. Seeing the look on their faces when I presented them with their wares, really makes the stabbed thumbs and sore fingers totally worth it. With each new design that I try out and complete it makes me feel like I am able to do a lot more that I give myself credit for. I need to start allowing this feeling to filter over into other areas of my life. On our trip home I took my girls with me to a local supply shop. Talk about overwhelming. An entire room full of hides, row upon row of beads, furs of basically every animal possible. I was in awe and also terrified. I had the girls pick out their beads and furs for moccasins because that is the next project I am going to tackle. I had to go searching for hides at a different store because I was too overwhelmed in that first one. They also didn't have the cheaper hide I was looking for, I don't want to start with expensive moose or elk because if I screw something up I'd rather only be out 10 bucks for split cow hide instead of 50 bucks for elk or moose. There is a lot of Youtube in my future as I work on those projects but it'll be so worth it to see the girls wear moccasins that I made entirely myself. I have grand plans, making some for every immediate family member that wants a pair, but I feel like it's a legitimate attainable goal and one that I can strive toward over the coming months. Especially with both girls starting school, I'm going to be spending a lot of time alone by myself so I better have something productive to do. 

Another way I have been trying to take care of myself these past months is getting out in nature a bit more and I have been doing this by hiking/rucking/walking. I've always hated running with a passion. It has never felt good, it always hurts and frankly I think its a fucking stupid way to waste time. So why would I try and do it? The rucking has done wonders for my cardio, I can get out with my 40 pound kid on my back and truck along for 10 kilometers while never getting into my maximal heart rate zone. I can go solo with a rucksack and hold a pace that I used to struggle to hold on a treadmill for 2 hours. I've always known how important fresh air is but I never took the time to enjoy it. Now I get out and listen to my kids as they get to search for fun in nature with dad or I can let my podcasts play while I just truck along with nowhere particular to go. I have put close to 500 kilometers in since the end of January which to me is incredible. I have had days where I am able to think positively about life and days where I am unable to leave the negativity behind. I have dreaded days where the bugs have been out or looked forward to the challenge of putting in the work when it has been -50. I put this new found drive to the test on my trip home. My sister is a hiker too, which last time we went out didn't go so well for me. We hiked Folding Mountain outside of Hinton in summer of 2020, which was about a year into when my struggles were starting to really impact me, and that hike damn near killed me. The exertion of the hike and then a bad bout of dysphagia during my post hike snacks left me puking my guts out on the side of Highway 16. So why not try again this year. We tackled Mount Yamnuska in Kananaskis Country. Pulling into the parking lot the rock face stared down at us, daring us to try our luck. We set out just after 1000, slowly slogging our way toward the top. There were definitely times where we were both sucking wind, I learned pretty quickly that 15km at sea level does nothing to prepare for an alpine adventure. Onward and upward we went. As the trail progressed further up, we came to a chain section situated above a 50 meter drop. I could feel my anxiety jack right up, the tunnel vision set it a bit, my breathing was sporadic and I was scared shitless. I knew I couldn't turn around, because the way down would be worse than the chains, and I knew that if I didn't tackle the chains I would hate myself for it. So my little sister lead the way, I held on for dear life and slowly side shuffled along that chain, staring straight ahead and literally white knuckling for survival. I made it across the cliff face, I handled the alpine ascent and got rewarded with an amazing view at the top. The trip down was much easier and just over 10km later we were back at the car. I checked my garmin stats and found that for the entire duration of the hike I had only been in my maximal heart rate zone for just over 2 minutes. 4 hours of hiking, more than a kilometer up to the top and something like 14000 steps, I did it. Again, I can't really explain the feeling of accomplishment or how much that impacted me to get to the top but god damn I was proud of myself for it. 

Then there's days where it literally is the little things, like getting the perfect grind of beans and that morning coffee just hits perfectly. Or the one well struck drive during a round of golf. Or the way that the sun just warms the skin on your neck as it peaks through the clouds for the first time on a rainy day. Finding a new book at the library that you can't put down until its become detrimental to your mental health because you skip going to bed to keep reading. Or finding that old movie you've seen far too many times and throwing it on because it does something to calm your soul. Lately its been finding that perfect meme to send to my wife, knowing that she is going to get the same little joy out of it that I do, because even if things aren't going great a little laugh can go a long way. 

For far too long I haven't been able to enjoy the little moments because I have been just trying hard to survive life. I have seen little moments and big moments go by and felt so much guilt for not being able to enjoy them. I have hated myself for not being able to love the life that was right in front of me because I wasn't able to. My energy was totally devoted to just trying to make it through each day which is no way to live. Let's be honest, I wasn't living, I wasn't trying to live, I wasn't even wanting to survive. I put friends and family in hard places because they saw the struggles but didn't know how to say anything about it. I pushed my wife beyond her limits. I put my girls through the ringer because I didn't have the energy to devote to being their dad. Now over half a year into my healing journey I am able to actually enjoy those little moments. Sure, I miss out on some still because re-learning to live is exhausting too, but now I have some energy each day to devote to those little moments. I can have genuine smiles when I slow down and let life happen. I can take a step back to look at something that I have accomplished and be proud of myself for it. Those are the moments worth living for. Those are the little things that truly add up to something bigger and better. 

I'll end this weeks post with another latin quote:

Non est vivere sed valare vita est - Life is more than just being alive

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope that it can help you to find those little things in your own life that can make that huge difference.

Much love

Chris