Pains and Regrets

Good afternoon and welcome back for another post. Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and read my story. Since I started posting last month I've had over 500 people visit the main page and 350 read my posts. I'm pretty blown away by that and the notes of support and messages from people who have gone through similar experiences shows me that I'm not alone in what I've felt and what I've gone through. This weeks post has been a tough one to write and there were more than a few tears shed while opening some wounds.

There are mentions of suicide and as always, this may be distressing.

What truly is the hardest part of the healing process? Is it learning how to live without just trying to survive? Is it the constant struggles against your demons to just get through the day? Is it finding the energy to do the little things that you know you need to do like brush your teeth, change your underwear or drink some water? Each person's own experience in healing will answer those questions in a different way. I don't know if I have a true answer yet.

One of the things I am struggling with the most is trying to learn to accept what has happened in the past years while I have been unwell. Healing has brought out a lot of self hate, self loathing, pain and regret as I have looked back. I struggle not to hate myself for the things I did and the things I should have done but didn't. There doesn't seem to be a lot of talk about this, probably because it is a topic that truly does hurt to discuss. I don't know if or when I will be able to forgive myself but in talking about this I hope I can at least open a pathway to it one day.

Over these past 7 months since I have been off of work I have had the chance to spend a lot of time with my girls. This has been a blessing and a curse. Every time I sit and look at my girls, seeing how much they have grown, seeing their personalities and their quirks. The way that they have such empathy and care still, the way they find so much joy in the smallest things in life, I am filled with joy for them and then hate for myself. Hate that I have lost so much time with them, that I have taken so much away from them by being an angry asshole. So much regret because when they wanted to play I couldn't find the energy to play, I couldn't let them play loudly because the noise was too much for me so I'd yell at them for being kids. To look at my youngest and see that she just turned 4 and to know that I haven't been the dad she deserved for the first 4 years of her life breaks a part of my soul. To look at my oldest and know that her first lasting memories of dad will be of him being too tired to play or always being angry about something. When I was really starting to break down in January she wrote me a note that said "dad I'm sorry I don't always listen good" 6 years old and that's what she feels? Like it's her fault. I could actually feel my heart and soul crack when I read that little note. How do you live with that regret? How do you move forward and not hate yourself for putting your kids through that? How can I be surprised that my family has crumbled around me?

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back was my wife telling me that she couldn't find it in herself to love me any more because of the state I was in. To anyone who thinks she is in the wrong, unless you lived in her shoes for the years around me, keep your opinions to yourself or fuck off with them. I put her through hell because of my inability to cope with what was happening in my head. The person I vowed to protect, to keep her safe from harm and to always be there to show her love, I couldn't do that. I put so much on her because I couldn't live life. She had to parent both girls, take care of the dog, the cat, the house and me. With no breaks, with no support, with no help. I did the bare minimums at home, instead choosing to work plenty of overtime so she wouldn't have to work. It had the exact opposite effect of what was desired. It trapped her in the house and made things worse on her because she had no outlet to care for herself. She was expected to care for everyone else and I put it all on her. 

I've seen firsthand what happens the instant that someone's life changes, when you deliver the next of kin notification and you see their heart break, their soul shatter and the light leave their eyes when they realize that life will never be the same again. What happens when it's not in an instant, when it's years of seeing life pass by and their partner keep losing their battles? I've looked in my wife's eyes and seen this pain, I've seen the grief and the hurt and despair. Seeing that I've caused that is something that I will regret forever. Whatever happens, whether we end up together or not, there is no way I can ever make up for the pain I have caused to her. I broke the heart of the person that I was entrusted to keep safe and to sit with that for these past months has been an incredible source of pain and regret. I thought I was being strong by hiding my own pain away, by trying to keep them safe from the world by being out there to protect them and in turn ended up hurting them all worse. How do you live with knowing that you have hurt those you care about so much?

What about the pain of regretting that I so seriously contemplated committing suicide? How do I look in the mirror and not loathe myself because of the pain that would have caused? A common thing that I've heard, hell that I've been guilty of saying is that by committing suicide the person took the easy way out, that you didn't really care about the people you left behind. My words to you who think that are simple. Fuck you. Fuck your opinion. Unless you have been down that path and walked up to the edge, fuck right off because you have no idea. You have no idea how long the internal fight goes on before that path becomes the next one. I sincerely believed that if I was to end my life I would be sparing my girls further pain by my being around. I could see my life passing by, I could be in moments that should be filled with joy and I felt nothing. I saw the hurt and the fear in my daughters eyes when I would yell or flip out about nothing. I could see the pain in my wife's eyes when I would act like a petulant child when she didn't have the energy to be intimate after another day of taking care of everything in the house. Or the disgust in her eyes when I would do the bare minimum and expect a gold star response for doing the things I should have been doing to actually make her life easier. Seeing this all happening because of what was going on in my head, seeing the pain and hurt I was causing, it seemed more like the merciful thing for me to do. To spare them from further pain I could put them through a short term pain and then they could move on with life not having to worry about my issues.

I fought with that decision for a very long time. Now I look at my girls and feel the pain of knowing what I would have missed. Seeing them grow up and loose teeth, catch their first fish, have life continue to inspire them to do great things. How do you not feel like a piece of shit for thinking about leaving my girls without a dad? How do I live with knowing that I have hurt the person I cared about so much and drove her away, to know that if my marriage doesn't recover that regardless of what I am told I will always regret what I put her through? I have to live with the pain of knowing that I have watched my friends suffer and struggle through their own demons and I wasn't able to reach out and offer a modicum of support. 

These are feelings of real pain and real regret that are so hard to process. I can see where people start to heal, start to process things and then suddenly to people's surprise that's when they commit suicide. From my perspective sometimes it's not being trapped in the darkness that pushes someone over the edge, it's coming out of the darkness and having to look back at the trail of damage and destruction left behind. Spending years numb or angry suddenly gives way to pain, regret, self hatred, broken homes, broken hearts. Living with these emotions is daunting and exhausting. I see a lot of forced positivity about healing when it comes to mental health. I get that being positive can be beneficial but what happens when the thought of that is too daunting? 

Healing fucking hurts and it doesn't seem to get said enough. So I'll say it again. Healing fucking hurts. The pain and regret about what has happened is never going to truly go away because it can't. It's embedded deeply in my soul now, it's a part of me and always will be. Most days this process fucking sucks. I hate seeing the hurt I have caused. There's days I don't want to feel anymore, that I just want to be numb to it all again, to let the demons have me back. Then I hate myself for thinking that because I would just be causing more pain to my girls. I would be lying if I didn't say that I have wished I followed through years ago because then I wouldn't be feeling this pain now. This process isn't easy, it isn't fair, it doesn't care about you. This process hurts, it causes pain in ways that pain has never been felt before, it causes regret, it causes hatred and the vast majority of these feelings are directed inward. 

Somewhere in this process I've heard there is acceptance, growth, love for self, compassion for self. I'm trying to find it but I'm not sure where it will be found. I've admitted to myself that my girls are the reason that I'm still here so I owe it to them to keep looking.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Chris

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