2023 - Ups, Downs and Everything in Between

Good riddance 2023. Except that's not the case at all. Sure, it was a year full of challenges, life changes and more pain than I thought I could handle. But it was also a year of growth, of recovery, of healing, of connection. The honest truth is I had no idea what to expect at the start of 2023 because I was so focused on just surviving each day that I couldn't look to the future without seeing anything but darkness. It took an act of courage by my wife to do what was best for her and our daughters to cast a sliver of light into the blackness that was consuming me.

To look back 365 days, to look at where I was in life, there are times that I'm surprised I'm still here. It goes back beyond just this past year, to 3, 4, 5 years ago that I started the slow descent in to the abyss. That's what makes post traumatic stress such a nasty bitch. She doesn't take you quickly. She slowly eats away at the base of what makes you a person, breaking away bits and pieces at a time. Slowly taking your energy, your self worth, your sense of safety and your will to live. It happens so slowly that you don't realize the changes are happening until one day you look into the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at you. And you hate what you see. You hate the monster that you become. You hate yourself for being angry all the time. For being exhausted. For not being able to be a dad or husband. For not being able to enjoy life's moments. The shame, the guilt, the numbness just become all consuming and before you know it, it feels like the only way out is death. Looking back, I became so comfortable with the idea of death that I openly wished for it. I wouldn't do it myself but I sure didn't do much to stave off the reaper. In my mind the only way to save my family was to stop being able to hurt them further. One of the hardest parts of this year has been learning to accept that those thoughts don't make me a bad person. Breaking the shame cycle is exhausting. Learning to be okay with myself has been exhausting. Am I there all the time? Fuck no. It's a daily battle with myself. But as this year draws to a close I can look in the mirror and not hate myself. I can't remember the last time that happened.

This year I've learned the importance of being honest. I certainly haven't been living the dream, doing good or been fine. But those are the expected answers to give someone who asks because do they really want to know? Are they really ready for me to look at them and tell them that everything sucks and I don't want to be alive today? Are they ready for the truth? Shit, I wasn't ready to tell the truth. I was so focused on survival that the thought of telling the truth scared the shit out of me. I'm supposed to be the helper. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the responder, the stoic force of good within the shitshow of life. If I can't be that then what good am I? Well better fake it til you make it. I look back at pictures and see smiles on my face and I know that they are fake. There was no joy in those moments. I did what I had to do to avoid the questions, to make it look like I was okay. I forgot what it was like to actually feel happy. To smile and mean it. To be able to enjoy a moment for what it was instead of being anxious about what was coming or hating myself for not feeling anything. My clinician in Kelowna put it this way "anxiety is the thief of joy because it doesn't allow you be present in the moment." Well fuck, anxiety has stolen enough joy from my life. Am I still anxious? Of course. Are there moments that I start to lose the fight? You better believe it. But the difference now is that I'm willing to fight back. I want the little moments so I look anxiety in the face and tell it to fuck right off. Sometimes it listens, sometimes it doesn't. But I've felt joy again. I've had moments of peace and tranquility for the first time in years and I'm not willing to give those moments up.
One of the most important things I've learned this year is the power of gratitude. To take stock of moments, of feelings, of people and to be truly grateful for them. Most importantly I've learned to be grateful for me. I fought, I bled, I cried, I gave up. But I didn't quit. I sure as shit wanted to a lot. But I didn't. No longer do I look in the mirror and see a coward, a weakling, an imposter, a worthless soul. I see a warrior. I see a person capable of compassion and empathy. A person who can use all of the pain, the struggles, the scars, to go forward and help others with their fights. I can sit in the darkness while others search for their light because others did the same for me. Gratitude holds such power because it comes from the depths of the soul. I am truly grateful for the people who didn't give up on me. Who stood with me, who checked in often and offered support. I am grateful for moments that sparked my soul. For pain that opened my eyes to a world beyond where I was trapped. For hope. For genuine connections. At the end of 2023 I am grateful for life.

Through everything this year I also found new parts of myself that I didn't know were there. Since my lily is a social butterfly I took her to a parent tot session in Inuvik for a learn to bead day. That session changed the game for me. Something inside clicked and by the end of the couple hours I was hooked. Now hundreds of dollars later, which is big because I hate spending money on myself, thousands of pin pricks and a lot of youtube and pintrest, I've found a creative outlet for my brain. Whether it's earrings, card holders, key chains or moccasins, everything I've done has been an extension of myself. I find totems that represent who the piece is for and allow that to guide my work. The connection between beading and healing has been uncanny. I have allowed myself to not be good at beadwork. I have shown myself grace and patience to learn and grow. I have accepted that I can't be perfect and that there will be days that nothing will go right. And I'm oddly at peace with it. In years past I wouldn't have been okay with it. I would have given up. I would have quit. I wouldn't have allowed myself to not be perfect. Finishing projects has allowed me to be proud of myself. Creating things out of pain has allowed me to express my pain in a productive way. Now instead of sitting watching the same shows over and over I can still watch but be productive and outlet energy in a healthy way. Having a creative means of expression has been missing in my life for a long time. While in Kelowna one of my favorite activities was the expressive art. It gave me a chance to try new ways to explore emotions, to express pain and hope. I can't wait to continue trying new projects and to refine my skills. To find new challenges and more ways to feel accomplished.

As the year progressed and I continued healing I learned a lot about myself. One of the things I learned was how unhealthy my relationship with fitness had become. For years I had convinced myself that the gym was a necessity, that I had to train through exhaustion, through sickness, through pain. I had to always be able to win a fight, had to be the apex. For years I wasn't in that position. I was sore. I was broken. I was never able to progress. I hated myself for missing workouts. I hated myself for not getting stronger or not being as conditioned. I was never big enough, never strong enough, never cut enough. I made the connection after a few hikes where I was more concerned about my speed, my heart rate, my steps instead of just enjoying the time in nature. That realization was huge. I stopped lifting entirely. I stopped wearing chest straps and tracking my distances. I had to let go of the expectations so that I could heal. I had to get to be okay with myself. I'm getting there. I'm accepting that I won't be the biggest or strongest guy out there. But I no longer need to worry about it because my fighting days are pretty well done. I know how to handle myself but now I'm not worried about having to fight at any call. I'm done with operational policing so now when I decide to go back to the gym it's going to be for me. It's going to be so I can keep up with my girls. So I can go on longer hikes and eventually start hunting. I want to be able to move without pain and touch my toes again. The focus now is just going to be being healthy. To enjoy the challenges and push myself a bit. To be okay going to the pool and not be worried about how the dad bod looks. To just be okay with being me.

As 2023 draws to a close I can look to the future with hope now. I can accept what has happened because it has led me to where I am today. One of the hardest parts of the program in Kelowna was working on an answer to the question "Who am I?" It took a lot of work. A lot of introspection. A lot of soul searching. I got it figured out. I'm not going to put my whole answer here because quite frankly it's extremely private. I will share the last parts of my statement because it helps continue the momentum that I've gained throughout this past year.

I am me and I am proud to be me. I'm still fucking here.

Still being here is a big deal because there are many days that I didn't think I would be. Had things not panned out the way they did early in the year I don't know if I'd still be here. Things weren't tracking well and had I not gone off when I did things would have been very different. I probably would have caught an assault charge and been off for that. Or I wouldn't still be alive. I was at a true breaking point and it scares me looking back. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm growing, learning and healing. I find myself going into 2024 with a true eye to the future. I've started working toward a new future. I want to take what I've been through and use it to help others. It'll take a few years of school to get there but one day I'll have my masters and be working with more first responders who need the help I've gotten. Finding purpose through pain is driving me forward. Being in the broken system has shown me that things need to change and I want to be apart of that change. It won't be an easy road but the last years haven't been an easy road and if I can help others avoid the same pitfalls I've been stuck in then it will be worth it.

At the end of all this the thing I want to say most is thank you. Thank you for supporting me during this past year. Thank you for the kind words, the check ins, the connection. I wouldn't have been able to get through this year on my own. To anyone else who needs help, you're not alone. I won't push you to reach out because I know how hard that decision is to make. Just know that should you need an ear, I'm always around. Should you need a supportive word, I have one. If you need quiet company in the dark I can sit and be silent with the best of them.  2024 will be another year of growth, healing and change.