HOPE - Hold On Pain Ends

I took some time to reflect over the past couple of weeks, looking at old journal pages, notes I've written in my phone, blog posts, walk and talk videos, social media stuff and something really stuck out to me...so much of what I've voiced has been overtly negative. I decided to journal about it, to try and put some actual thought into why negativity is so easy and positivity takes so much work. After a few hours and a sore brain, the resounding idea was that after so many years of working in a negative environment, of seeing the worst that humanity had to offer, of always being prepared for the worst my brain had becoming trapped in the cycle of negativity. Unfortunately as I have learned over the past few years it takes a lot of work to break out of that cycle, and looking for the upside in situations is so unnatural that it feels like work to try and do it.

The reflection started just over a week ago when I had the opportunity to attend my first event as a volunteer with Boots on the Ground Alberta. For anyone who doesn't know about BOTG, it's a volunteer based peer support group that provides a 24/7 phone line for first responders to call when they have no where else to turn for support. I first heard about BOTG a couple years ago when the Alberta chapter founder Mo was a guest on the PTSD Podcast, and after hearing Mo's story and his passion for getting an Alberta chapter of BOTG started, I knew that it was an organization that I wanted to get involved with. After retiring and moving back to the motherland, I started the on-boarding process to become a call taker. The option is also available to be an outreach volunteer, which is going out in the community to events and talking about BOTG and its mission. The first event I had a chance to attend was the Constable TJ Foundation golf tournament. The event is held annually in memory of EPS Constable Travis Jordan who was murdered in the line of duty, along with his partner Constable Brett Ryan. I went later in the day, for the tail end of the golf and to work during the dinner event. Being out on the course as the last rounds of the day finished up I had a chance to interact with a few people and watch as the day wound down. One of the things that struck me was the mood of the day, even with the cool and wet weather, people were having fun. There were smiles being had, jokes and stories being shared, and a sense of community. Even with the event being a memorial event, everyone came together to support one another and make sure that even if there was sadness, there was love, there was laughter and there was a sense that no one would have to go through the day alone. Throughout the dinner, there were various events designed to raise money for BOTG and the support that happened was overwhelming. I was still somewhat uncomfortable, being out in a large group, yet it was probably the best place to be comfortably uncomfortable given that the room was full of cops and many of them had been through much of the same trauma that I had during my career. 

When I woke up the next day and I had a chance to reflect on the volunteering experience, one of the things that struck me the most was how inspired I felt. To be at the tournament, to see family members who had been through the most unimaginable trauma possible be able to come to a memorial event because they knew that they would be supported, to see them be able to share laughs with others who were there to remember, to experience the amount of love that was in the room and on the course, it made me take a second to slow down and reflect on life. Sure, I have been through some shit. I have struggled, I have been as low as I could possibly be. But I have kept going. I haven't given up. Just like everyone who was at that tournament. They kept going through those shittiest of shitty moments, and if they can do it, so can I. I can keep getting up each day. I can keep taking those baby steps, falling down when I need to and crawling if I must, but never giving up. It is the same thought that made me want to start volunteering. One of the things that I have wanted to do through this blog, through trying to have the  hard conversations or sharing my struggles, is to make sure that those who feel like they are at the end of their rope, that feel like the light in the dark is too far away to be reached, is to not give up. It's exhausting but moving forward is better than giving up.

In the collection of thousands upon thousands of memes that I have, many of which are dark humour as attempts to make light of what I and many like me have gone through, I also have collected a significant amount of positivity, of quotes and little glimmers that I will share on occasion with my meme team, or look through myself when I have decent days or need a break from the dark and could use a little light. 

Some of my favourites are:

We are all broken, that's how the light gets in - Hemingway

Because I have known despair, I value hope. Because I have tasted frustration, I value fulfillment. Because I have been lonely, I value love - Leonard Nimoy

You've mastered survival mode. Now it's time to live - Rosey Homemaker

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us - JRR Tolkien

You are not the darkness you endured, you are the light that refused to surrender - John Mark Green

My goal, as challenged by my therapist, is to slowly start looking for the positive moments every time I go out. Whether it be the laughing kids at the grocery store, the old couple holding hands walking through a parking lot or even just the flowers growing in my yard. After enough psych courses lately, I know that consciously looking for the positives will start to create new neural pathways and that will start to let the positive be more noticeable and easier to enjoy. Am I still going to be negative, well of course because there's still a lot of negative shit in the world, but if I can make the negative more of an effort than the positive, then I think I'm doing alright.