Let's Talk About Culture

Hello there and welcome back. Over the past few weeks I have laid bare a lot of the events that I can remember that I feel may have contributed in one or more ways to my diagnosis of post traumatic stress. One of the things I have struggled with over these past months while being off work is trying to make sense of how things happened. Since I have so much time to sit and think while I'm off work, which isn't exactly great when my mind is where my demons reside, one of the things I have focused on is the culture that is created not only by my employer but within the first responder community in general. Today I want to touch on what I have come up with, to put my thoughts out. 

According to my seventh grade social studies teacher Mr Kordyback, culture is a learned way of life shared by a group of people. He made a point to tell us during class that was the only thing that most students of his seemed to remember and sure as shit, 23 years later I remember it. So when it comes to first responders especially, there is a learned way of life shared by that group of people. Where does this learned way of life begin? Most of us that go into first response work have a deeply ingrained desire to do what is right, to be the light in the darkness for people who need help. We don't start out jaded, angry at the world and full of deep seated mistrust of people. Well, some people do but that is shaped by their prior life experience before becoming first responders. The scary part is that the learned way of life isn't just in your "standard" first responders like police, fire, paramedics and our respective dispatchers. It stretches through nursing, through social work, tow operators. People who work the same files we do, who respond to the same shit we do, who see the worst moments of peoples lives the same way we do. The most common ground that we all share is that there are no supports in place for us, thus leading us all into our learned way of life. A life that relies heavily on dark humor, incessant negativity, far too much caffeine or liquor, broken sleeps and a litany of memories that you don't want to have. Since my experience is in policing that is the culture I will speak about. I'll preface it that it's my opinions, not those of my employer, seeing as if the wrong person from my organization reads my writing they could complain up the chain and I'd face some repercussions. Frankly I don't give a fuck at this point because what I have been through has shaped my journey into the abyss and I'm done not telling my story and not speaking my mind. Onward we go.

The RCMP has a long storied history as Canada's national police force, having been around nearly as long as the country itself. First established to keep order in the wild west, its structure has always been laid out as a paramilitary organization. Orders given top down with the shit running down hill to the lowly constable at the bottom of the pile. That reliance on being a paramilitary structure leads into the learned way of life. Training is still done in Regina, 6 months with the same troop, living in close proximity to each other, doing everything together to build the team spirit. History of the force becomes a focal point when challenging for "blues", the right to wear the yellow striped pants and stop double marching around base. Well, that's how it used to be, since they have decided that double marching leads to an increase in injuries and removes candidates from training at a time that recruiting numbers are seriously reduced. That's a topic for below...the time at depot is designed to really indoctrinate new members about the importance of the structure of the organization. Rank matters to the point that cadets will address everyone on base by their rank, officers are always saluted and you as a cadet aren't even allowed to walk on the sidewalk or the grass because its the Queens (now kings) grass and the Queens sidewalk and since you aren't a real member yet you haven't earned the right to walk on the sidewalk or touch the grass. You are quickly reduced to just a part of the troop, your individuality doesn't really matter any more because you are part of something larger. I recall during our first drill lecture one of my troopmates introduced themselves as Cadet Lastname, after a number of us had introduced ourselves by our full name. When questioned the troopmate answered that they had been told by other cadets and prior graduates that your name no longer matters and you are a cadet. When then questioned about why they decided to not share that information with everyone and do it after a number of other people had already spoken their name, there wasn't a good answer to be provided. So it's true that your name doesn't matter any more but you also have to take note of what your troopmates are doing, so that you don't act as an individual against what everyone else had been doing.

This expected loyalty to the organization and each other is a huge part of the learned way of life. It is hammered into you for 6 months that you are lucky to be selected to be a Mountie, that you are part of a select few to don the red Serge, that you are expected to uphold the long standing traditions and that you should be damn happy to be a part of the team. The daily parades, the rigors of training, the standards set in regards to dress and deportment are all designed to ensure that no one stands out. I am reminded of the introduction to drill camp from Full Metal Jacket, "You are all equally worthless", the paramilitary structure designed to instill the esprit des corps while breaking down your individuality and rebuild you in the mold of the Mountie. During one of the many workouts we were put through I distinctly remember one of the facilitators taking issue with someone in the troop grunting/yelling to try and get through one of the sessions. 

"Suffer in Silence" was yelled at us. Like some how the release of energy through a grunt or a yell is wrong. Suffer in silence because your individual voice doesn't matter and you could distract one of your troopmates. Or you might inspire someone else to yell or grunt and soon you'll all be yelling and grunting your way though this tough workout. It was just another thing yelled at us during training, but shortly before I went off duty because of my mental health, because I had been suffering in silence for 10 years, I overheard one of the news members who was inside their 6 months, saying that was still being yelled at them now. For all the supposed strides made toward being a more open and inclusive force, one that cares about its members wellbeing now...suffer in silence. Well fuck, those members who are instructing now have been suffering in silence for years, who are not exactly the poster children for self care and mental wellbeing are just passing on their important lesson. Members have suffered in silence for years because it is part of the learned way of life. If the RCMP wanted to hear your opinion they would provide it for you...If the RCMP wanted you to have a wife they would issue you one...just get in line, stay in line and you'll have a good productive career, just the way it was intended to happen.

This suffering in silence really becomes prevalent when discussing mental health. There is no real progressive talk about mental health. Oh sure, you get a wellness day once a year. But it's only 8 hours since its based on the Monday to Friday 9-5 crowd, so if you have a dickhead boss you have to take extra hours of holidays to get the whole day off. Wellness right. Or having an organization that has one staff psychologist for two divisions of members. Where the road to mental readiness is the best program they can come up with to help members with their wellbeing. What color are you today? Well who the fuck really knows because I'm sure I've been in the red for years but it all just becomes a blend of shit and I'm used to surviving so I haven't thought about suck starting a shotgun today and only shit 3 times before work so I must be green today. Not that it matters because if you ask for help there's no help coming. And you better get help on your own time because your time off request for treatment is denied, we're too short. Oh, you live in a place with no available supports, better figure it out on your own. Then God forbid you actually need time off to deal with things. Now you're leaving your work for others to do and that makes you a piece of shit. So just shut the fuck up and do your job the way its expected of you.

So what happens after that 6 months of Depot? You get your badge, you pack your shit and off to your first post you go. Thrown right into the shit. But it's okay, everyone went through depot so you have common ground everywhere. You're a part of the RCMP family now. You come out of Depot full of piss and vinegar, ready to conquer the world. I know I sure was. I absolutely loved it. I was living episodes of COPS all the time, I was fighting the good fight on the front lines. I was the sheepdog, there to protect the flock from the wolves. I was the order in the chaos. I was holding the line, keeping the thin blue line strong against those who sought to break it down. I bought in as hard as humanly possible to the cop life. It didn't take long for the negative aspects of the culture to start seeping into my life. Oh, one of the watch members is off sick again, well fuck that guy now I have to take more calls today. Here's the new transfer from a slower spot, well fuck they aren't going to be able to keep up with the pace here. That guy isn't as quick to want to fight as I am, fuck him I don't want to work with a guy whose not ready to throw down. I was also well introduced to junior man prove. I did hundreds of sets of fingerprints, I did the bail hearings, I did the NSOR registrations, I took the shitty front counter sex assaults and every domestic call for a lot of months. It's all part of the learning experience right? That's how you prove to the guys that you're a good member, by doing all the shit they had to do when they were junior and do it without complaining. Thankfully I had a really good coach who stood up for me and made a point of letting everyone else on the watch know that she was the only one who was going to be assigning me work, she wasn't going to tolerate me being turned into the watch bitch solely because I was the junior man. That's a really prevalent line of thinking in the RCMP, well I had to do it when I was junior so fuck you now it's your turn. See, a learned way of life. Then as those new members become the more senior guys a year or two later in most places, they are quick to dump shit on the new guy because that's just how it's always been. Easy to see how the culture gets set in its ways and never really changes. Especially in a top heavy paramilitary organization where the top level members now are still dinosaurs, still don't give a fuck about the members below them and never will. 

Don't get me wrong, I am plenty guilty of being part of the toxic culture. I made sure that my recruits had their exposure to shitty jobs, did their fingerprints and took some shitty files. I would happily sit around after watch briefing to bitch and complain about everything under the sun, whether it be the pass on left by the prior watch, the organization in general, the lack of new vehicles coming to replace our beat to shit ones and everything in between. I was always happy to sit around and tell war stories. As I got a couple more year in I was the one looking at the new recruits and listening to their depot stories and complaining about how easy they had it: oh we don't get sprayed or gassed any more, we don't have to double, there's no more night inspections. Well shit, the new members are all soft, they couldn't hack it when I went through. They're gonna have to work harder to prove that they're worthy. The culture never changes. Days off culture is the same too. Don't hang out with people that aren't cops, they don't get us. Keep it in the family. Well what happens when cops hang out together and the only thing they have in common is being cops? They drink and tell the same shitty stories that they tell at work. They sit around and trauma share with each other and members spouses. Nights away from work just turn into hours of shop talk so there's no break from work. 

Being a cop becomes your identity, just the way it was ingrained in you a depot. The old ways stick with you, becoming a grumpy asshole with a stack of shitty memories. You constantly complain about everything but being a Mountie is the be all end all of life. I've earned the right to complain, I've done my time in the shit. I definitely made sure that I suffered in silence. I put so much pressure on myself to be the unfailing image of the Mountie within my detachments that I couldn't have weakness. I looked down on those who asked for help, I judged harshly because I had seen so much worse, had been through so much more and I was still showing up for work. I couldn't function for shit away from work, hell most days at work I couldn't function but the job needed me so it was my duty to show up. It was my duty to take all the overtime so other members could have extra holidays, or so that shifts were covered so my teammates wouldn't be stuck working short. I put the wellbeing of the organization over my own wellbeing because that was what was drilled into me for years. Now I sit here looking back at the years I've lost with my wife and kids because of this job, because of the way of life that I learned and bought into. I lost all sense of self because self didn't matter, only the organization mattered. I worked myself almost to death for an organization that does not give a fuck about me. I spent years trapped in the culture, the way of life that I learned and now I am struggling to find myself again, to learn a new way of life where having a life matters and it doesn't revolve around being a Mountie. I know that I have a really long way to go which is a huge part of why I started this project.

I can no longer sit around and be silent. I need to suffer out loud because that makes it easier, the same way that a hearty grunt or solid yell can give the boost needed to gut out that extra rep or two. I need to suffer out loud so that others who have been silent can see that they can speak out too. That is the only way that the culture can start to change, when enough people get fed up with the way things have been and start taking steps to make changes. Will I be around to see the culture of first response work change? Probably not, monumental changes take a long time but my hope is that I am around while the culture starts to shift, even a small amount. As I have learned even the smallest step forward can make a monumental difference. This is my small step forward to helping make change. My goal is to have my pain have purpose, to find a glimmer of light within the darkness and to let that light guide others who may be trapped in their own darkness.

Thank you for taking the time to read this one. I may be a little more sporadic for a couple weeks while I get out of town for a mental break but if the urge to write hits then I will take advantage of it.

Chris