A Chance to Say Thanks

 Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Thank you for taking the time to stop by. These last couple days have been a chance for me to sit down, relax a little bit and take stock of things. This thanksgiving has been a little bit different then the last ones not only due to my current life situation but also due to the fact that this year as I think about things to be thankful for I can be genuine with my thoughts. It has been a long while since I have been able to do that, to be honest with myself so that I am able to really be appreciative for the things that I have in my life. As with many things over these past months, the chance to write has been a way to get my thoughts out in a more cohesive manner. 

I've always been thankful for my girls but this year I feel a whole new level of thankful. These past 9 months since I started to truly heal have been full of highly charged emotional days, days where I haven't been able to do much of anything except sit on the floor and bawl my eyes out. Days where I haven't been able to pretend to be happy like I used to do. Days where I have been sullen and angry at the world. And in those times, on those hardest of days, my girls have been the utmost beacons of unconditional love. They have come with hugs, come with kisses, with stuffed animals to cuddle with, with extra kleenexs and little words of encouragement. In those moments where I felt most unlovable, when I felt completely unworthy of anything more than my sorrows those girls were able to show me that unconditional love knows no bounds. On days when I have been too tired to play they are willing to lay and cuddle with me. On days when I can do little things they show me that they appreciate my efforts with big smiles and happy laughs. Trying to regain my ability to be a parent has been so hard, especially when the waves of regret hit, when I get stuck in one of my down cycles because I can't help but get lost in the regrets about the time I've lost with them. Those two girls have been the light in my life since the first time I was able to hold both of them against my chest when they were born, but now as I am starting to heal that light presents itself in a while new way. It hasn't been an easy time but now that I am starting to find myself again and starting to be able to appreciate these moments even more. Now as I go forward and enjoy life again and start to work toward being a better dad again I will continue to be thankful for those little moments of love and I can continue to work toward feeling like I deserve those moments.

My appreciation and thanks for my wife has been taken to a whole different level this year. In years past it would almost seem superficial to say thanks to my wife because I wasn't truly aware of what I was putting her through. I put that woman through hell for years, not being able to function as a husband, as a parent, as a partner because I was so focused on just surviving every day. When I had lost my will to live I put so much pressure on her to be my safe place that I made her home anywhere but that. She could never relax properly, she couldn't do things for herself because she had to run the entire house even when I was around. These past months she has shown me her own version of unconditional love. She could have up, taken the girls and just left. She could have flipped me the bird on the way out and gone to find peace a long way from me. But she didn't. She has shown faith in my journey to get better. She has offered a shoulder to cry on and a soft word of encouragement to keep me moving forward. She has been willing to show me compassion in moments where I have been unable to see myself as being worthy of it. She has been able to see in those moments the work that I have done and she has been the first to be supportive of the efforts that I have made. Through everything that has happened she has had the capacity to show me this unconditional love when she sure as shit doesn't have to. I am beyond thankful for the faith she has shown in me, to believe that I am going to heal and to believe that I can become a person that is worthy of life again.

I have been lucky enough to have a group of friends that have stuck with me through these past few years, people who have seen me go from a fresh faced rookie to a crusty old fuck and still will take time to check in, still will take time to go for coffee or dinner when we are in the city. People who have been through their own trips into the shit and who get what I am going through. Who get what my wife is going through and who can always be counted on. It's been many years since I have been a good friend to any of them and yet they stand by me still, willing to be there. People like that don't come into your life by mistake and they show you their true character when you are down at the lowest points in your life. You in my circle know who you are and I am forever grateful for your support through all of this. I hope that I can repay your friendship over the many years to come.

Through all of this as well I have grown ever more thankful for family. To have their unflinching support and a kind word or supportive phone call when needed has helped me through many a dark day.

As I sit and work my way through these thoughts this last one is the one that surprises me the most to write. This year, I am thankful for me. I am thankful that I have been able to weather this seemingly never ending shit storm. I am thankful that I didn't give into the reaper when he seemed like my only way to find peace. This year I can look at myself in the mirror and be a little more at peace with the person standing there. I may not be in a position where I truly love myself yet but being able to be thankful for the efforts that I have put forth is a true step in the right direction. I can be thankful for the pain that I have felt because it shows me that I am still alive. I can be thankful for the little moments where I can feel some semblance of peace because it shows me that there is hope for the future. Thankful for being able to learn that there is purpose to my pain and that for everything I have been through and everything I have suffered these last years I can continue to grow from it, continue to work toward becoming a better version of myself each and every day. Every time I look down at my arm and see my tattoo, see the reaper trying to possess my soul that semi-colon is a perfect reminder that my story is not over yet, that there is plenty left to be written. And this year I can be truly thankful for that.

I am also thankful for those of you who continue to read my posts, who take time to send messages of support and who reach out to check on me. It really does mean a lot and it does help to make me feel like my story does have the power to help others as much as telling it has helped me.

Thank you again. Take care of yourselves, check on your friends and take a moment to stop and think about what you are truly thankful for. 

Heavy

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