From the Depths of the Abyss

 Where do I begin? 2024 felt like it flew by but at the same time, felt like it dragged on and wouldn't let me go. I came into the year with momentum, with hope, with grand plans for how things felt like they should go.  I went back to work, for the first time in a year. 12 months of recovery, 12 months of learning how to live again, 12 months of ups/downs and struggles. I did hundreds of hours of therapy, spent hundreds if not thousands of hours journaling, crafting, listening to podcasts filled with the stories of others who fought the same PTS demons that I did and I felt encouraged through all of it that I could get through it. That if I put the work in, if I did the home work and dug into the hardest memories that I had repressed, that if I opened doors and broke down walls that I would be able to keep consistently climbing out of the hole. But 2024 didn't have the same plans for me. Going back to work wasn't some grand thing to celebrate. After 12 months of no one tha...

How the hell is it August already. And how the hell have i gone this long without writing. The honest truth, I've felt like I'm just trying to get by through a lot of days again. I started going back to work in January and even with reduced hours the entire time, it has not been easy. The organization itself holds so much residual trauma that being in the office takes a toll, even when I'm living my new roll as Will Ferrell in "The Other Guys". Paper bitch. That's my life now, just administrative work. I made peace, or thought I did, many months ago but being in the office, not being able to go for drives, help out with calls, do anything other than paper has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. The visceral reaction to hearing certain calls echo on the radio tells me that being off the road is the only way forward. I can't go back to how I was, the constant IBS, the broken sleeps, the permanent pissed off attitude. I know that the best thing for ...

Good riddance 2023. Except that's not the case at all. Sure, it was a year full of challenges, life changes and more pain than I thought I could handle. But it was also a year of growth, of recovery, of healing, of connection. The honest truth is I had no idea what to expect at the start of 2023 because I was so focused on just surviving each day that I couldn't look to the future without seeing anything but darkness. It took an act of courage by my wife to do what was best for her and our daughters to cast a sliver of light into the blackness that was consuming me. To look back 365 days, to look at where I was in life, there are times that I'm surprised I'm still here. It goes back beyond just this past year, to 3, 4, 5 years ago that I started the slow descent in to the abyss. That's what makes post traumatic stress such a nasty bitch. She doesn't take you quickly. She slowly eats away at the base of what makes you a person, breaking away bits and pieces at a ...

Good day one and all. Thanks again for stopping by to take a read. It's been a bit of a week, winter has hit the region like a fucking truck. Over 15cm of snow and then some heavy winds right out of the north today to just whip everything around. I opened the front door and well over a foot tall drift waiting to fall in on my feet. Makes me just want to stay in a bake which I did a ton of the other day. Joys of cheap bags of baking bananas at the local grocery, so I went bananas...yes, its a good dad joke. I never would have guessed 8 months ago when I went off work for the first time that baking would make the kitchen a safe and relaxing place for me. I had never baked before and have slowly worked my way into it. I'd like to say that I make mean loaf of banana bread and have taken to learning bannock and my own pie crusts. It's a half way decent way to pass some time and gives a good sense of accomplishment when it works out. Even if its not perfect I can enjoy what I...

 Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Thank you for taking the time to stop by. These last couple days have been a chance for me to sit down, relax a little bit and take stock of things. This thanksgiving has been a little bit different then the last ones not only due to my current life situation but also due to the fact that this year as I think about things to be thankful for I can be genuine with my thoughts. It has been a long while since I have been able to do that, to be honest with myself so that I am able to really be appreciative for the things that I have in my life. As with many things over these past months, the chance to write has been a way to get my thoughts out in a more cohesive manner.  I've always been thankful for my girls but this year I feel a whole new level of thankful. These past 9 months since I started to truly heal have been full of highly charged emotional days, days where I haven't been able to do much of anything except sit on the floor and bawl my eyes ...

Well hello there. It's been a hot minute since I have had the mental energy to sit down and put thoughts to fingers so I can type them out. September has had its own run of personal challenges, as can be expected when one is going through a healing journey. I've made a real point of trying to spend less time on social media because I've found that social media doesn't really do a lot for me. There is the aspect of connection that comes with making these posts, from trying to drive some semblance of conversation about hard topics but I've also come to realize that it isn't the best environment for me. Whenever I make a post I seem to hang the value of it on the reach that it has. Which really, I have just over 200 followers on Instagram, less than that on Facebook, so how far are these going to reach? The most important thing for me is still the power of telling my story, of putting myself out there to try and inspire someone else who is struggling to realize tha...

Hi there and welcome back. Last post was a bit more of a positive one, something that I'm trying to bring into my life a little more. Some days it works, some days it sure as shit doesn't. Lately its been very much more of the not. Being back the in the north hasn't been at all easy. With both kids heading to school now and my wife working full time that leaves me a lot of time alone by myself, trapped with my thoughts. The overwhelming reality of being alone scares the ever living shit out of me because I am not really at a point where I am okay to be alone that long. Sure, I have ways to pass the time but once those pervasive thoughts start to go to work no amount of grounding, breathing or distraction seems to work. The overwhelming reality of facing what is to come in my marriage, in my career, in my life is making this process even that much more daunting.  Reader warning: Suicide is a heavy part of this post and is likely distressing to read about. If you need help pl...